new beginnings?

I've been home now for... um... 4 nights. Four cozy sleeps in my own bed. Well, it will be 4 sleeps when I actually sleep tonight. As it stands, I'm doing the jet lag thing. When that's finished it'll probably be the post-travel depression thing from what I'm hearing... That's ok.

Home. Here I am. Sorta. I've been a bit of a zombie the last three days. Today showed marked improvement. Tomorrow I'm hoping I'll even have a real outing and visit the rock climbing gym (fingers crossed). Being back feels strange (which I did expect). I don't feel like any time should have passed here, though I know it did. There are small differences I notice... ah, I'm rambling...

What I wanted to say was this:

I don't know how New Zealand "was". I feel like I should just say "yes, it was great/beautiful/amazing/etc." - and it was... but it wasn't always. I want to be honest about what I experienced and how I felt, but I don't feel like that's what people want to hear (or what I want to tell them). The thing is, the trip kinda imploded on itself. There was a lot of disappointment, frustration, insecurities, and tears. There were really great things too - and eventually I'll forget all the crap and focus on just the good... I just feel like... like I failed at it some how. See, I believe the saying "if you're bored then you're boring", and translate that into "it is what you make of it". So, if I didn't have a good time, then I was doing it to myself. And I was! I wasted so much time complaining and feeling down on myself, and holding back. I knew I was too, it was so hard to shake those moods. I succeeded sometimes, but it I'd always slip back. Sometimes it felt hard just to be there! But I feel awful saying that. People travel all the time, for longer periods, to more difficult places, find themselves in far more challenging situations, and sometimes don't get to go home. So what am I feeling sorry for myself for?

One thing about being back is that I don't want to go back to my old life. Not that it was bad or anything, but I've already lived it that way. I'd like to change. I really wanted to come back a "better" person - I'm not even sure what that means to me anymore? More evolved maybe? For me, it was a rite of passage to travel; a rite that I put off far too long (at least I went at all...). Everyone comes back a little different, it seemed like they knew something I didn't. Did I miss something out there? I must have... I'm still processing, obviously. But I do think everything happens for a reason, and I'm confident that good things will come from the stuff I'm still struggling to accept. Er, that's what I'm hoping anyways... heh.

So, what's next? Well, I'm going back to school in september to finish my undergrad degree in Secondary Education (with a fine art major and a special education minor). Between now and then, I'm keen to find a full-time summer job and save up enough to pay off my credit card debt and cover my tuition and books for the fall semester. I'm unsure yet what kind of job; massage therapy is too unreliable right now and I might not be able to get adequate hours at the gym (assuming they give me back my job). Maybe landscaping? I dunno. Also on my list of things to do is get back in shape. Yep, I let myself go in NZ. Did you know they're known for their pies? Heh heh...

I guess that's it for Chels-iwi - the blog anyways. I don't know if I'll ever go back to New Zealand, I'd like to think that I will. We'll just have to wait and see.

soon... soon...

well I wasn't going to blog until I got home but I'm bored and had to pay for the internet anyways to check-in to my flights (which didn't work in the end, ha ha).

So... I'm going/coming home tomorrow. It is a very strange feeling. I wonder how I'd feel if I had stayed the whole year?

Anyways, in the last two weeks I travelled the "deep south" of the south island, visiting Milford Sound in Fiordland, spent the night in Te Anau, the next night in Invercargill, then to Dunedin where I hopped off the bus to stay with friends again for two nights. I really loved Dunedin; it's a lovely city. It helped that I was also with people who were relaxed and welcoming (and not my scarey bus driver, who in the end turned out to be a lot like me - moody with uncontrolled bursts of energy).
From there I took a different bus directly to Christchurch to spend more time with other friends. They picked my up at the bus stop (right outside their apartment) and we immediately proceeded to drink. I spent the next 3 days in a rotating state of drunk/hungover/exhausted. I had a great time! We mostly just talked, bullshitted, and watched movies. We did a little driving tour of the surrounding area (Lyttleton and... err I forget the other... started with an s?). Then it was back onto the Stray bus en route to Kaikora (means food of the sea or something like that). This lovely little township is popular for going on whale watching and dolphin swimming tours. I thought it was expensive so I just hung out on the beach (yes, hungover).
The next day, on our way to Picton to catch the ferry to the north island, we stopped at Ohau waterfall. It's just a small little roadside stop, and you walk into the bush for 5 minutes or so to the waterfall. Anyways, this little stop was one of my most favorite moments of the last 7 months because under the falls were seal pups! And not just a few, more like 50! They were incredible to watch; they came up so close too us too - one even touched me! I have some pictures (but they're poor quality) and a video that I'll put up as soon as I'm home. Ahhh! It was just so flippin' cool!!!!
That night we stayed in Wellington again where I had the worst sleep ever, then got up very early to catch the bus and spend nearly the entire day travelling to Auckland. It was a long one. And, obviously, that brings me to now. I'm in Auckland. Tomorrow I won't be. Tomorrow I'll be making my way home through 3 flights, and 2 layovers that are not long enough for me to leave the airport but long enough that I will probably lose my sanity a little bit. From the time my flight takes off tomorrow afternoon I will be in transit for a little over 28 hours - ugh!

But it'll all be worth it when I get a hug from my parents then crawl into my own bed next to my kitty.... Mmmmmmmmm I can't wait!

soon... soon...

On the topic of "goodbyes"

Two weeks until I return home!

Tonight I'm in Queenstown to catch the bus in the am heading to Milford Sounds and Gunn's camp. The next day I'll go to Invercargill (largest southern township), then Duniden for a couple nights, then on to Christchurch for a few more... My tour of the south island is actually almost done...

I spent the last four nights in Fox Glacier twonship, which is an hour south of Franz Josef. This is where I caught up with some old friends and said the first of my big "good-byes". Now, I try really hard to be honest and realistic but when it comes to saying "see ya later" as a backpacker I find it rather trickey. I would like to say the whole "keep in touch" and the "meet you again someday" stuff in a way that is truthful, but I highly doubt that I'll see many of these people again. But I want to believe in the possiblity that it's the beginning of a story. Serendipity is a romantic idea - and therefore one I like. But it occured to me that hope, while being optimistic, is also a bit diluted. It's not quite lying to myself but it's being willing to if I have to.

I just thought that was neat. Hope gets such a good reputation but it's a little sneaky in that way...

Anywho, Fox/Franz was wonderful. I got to take a helicoptor ride onto the Fox glacier and do a little hike (yep, I have friends in high places).The weather was perfect for that day. I also got to just chill out, read, relax, eat food that I didn't have to cook - all things I really enjoy doing. One night there was a big storm and I woke up in the middle of the night both excited and a little terrified of the west coast rain. I visited a place called Gillespie's Beach and watched the Tasman Sea for a while (one of my favorite visits). We were sitting on a huge piece of driftwood that we thought was super solid, then a big wave came and moved it! I was sure we'd be dragged out to sea - panic! It was delightful. The waves were so big, and I was a little kid cheering as they crashed onto the shore. I'll really miss that...

erg! good-byes! I don't like good-byes! Lie to me! Tell me I'll see it all again soon...

Ketch'up

(ok. efficient. i will do this efficiently...)

My last blog was pre Napier so I'll start there. Napier is a lovely town on the east coast (but not the East Cape) of NZ. Hawk's Bay. In 1931 there was a massive earthquake that destroyed most of the city so they rebuilt it (of course). The 30'2 were the Art Deco era so of course all the buildings are still maintained in that fashion. I particulalry like Art Deco style so I was quite keen to see it. Napier was also the place I chose for my imaginary massage/yoga studio that I had to make a business plan for in my final year of massage therapy (I just did it for NZ so I could stay interested in doing my homework really). I enjoyed my stay there. It was peaceful. I do have pictures but I'm having difficulties uploading them here.

I was only in Napier for one night then went back to Taupo for a night, then the following day I headed north to the Bay of Plenty to work the Home Show in Taurunga. Now this was doing the same sales job I did in Hamilton and Palmerston North back in march. I really only did it so that I could see my boss again because we really had a lot of fun in Palmy. Plus, the extra cash definitely helps - I even sold enough this time to make some commision! I stayed a couple extra days on my own just to hang out and climb Mt. Maunganui. I have pictures of that too, stay tuned. The beach was only a 10 minute walk from where I was. I just like sitting there listening to waves. Again very peaceful and I was quite content. Oh Yeah! I almost forgot - my wallet was turned in to the police in Gisborne so I asked them to send it to Taurunga where I could pick it up. So now I have it again! Yay for humanity! My credit card can't be turned back on but I've only got a few weeks left so I should be ok without it (knock on wood).

Next I returned to Taupo to hop back on the Stay bus (you may remember it from earlier adventures such as "Pahia and the Bay of Islands" or "Stray Southbound: Auckland to Rotorua"). Once back on the bus I headed to Tongariro National park to do the Tongariro Crossing which is a 7-8 hr hike that goes over a volcano/mountain range (small), past some Emerald lakes, hot springs, and through rainforest. I was SPECTACULAR!!!! I wanted to do it and I really did not want to do it. But on the day of, we had perfect weather. Not a single cloud in the sky! The air was nice and crisp (remember it is autumn here now, so it has been quite brisk the last few days). There was actually frost on the ground that morning even! But what makes the Tongariro Crossing extra exciting for me is that it is where part of Lord of the Rings was filmed - do you recall Mt. Doom? Well, I've been there. Yep. I could climbed it, some people did, but I was sure I'd have a stroke (you'll understand when you see the pictures ). It is soooooo steap, and it's all just loose rock. It was a 3 hour climb just to do Mt. Doom and you still had to finish the rest of the crossing after. So I settled for just getting my picture taken in front of it multiple times. I'll get those pictures up as soon as I can because they really are quite amazing. The best part was, I didn't have to do the crossing alone. I met a girl from the UK at the beginning who was going the same pace as me and through the course of the day we got to know eachother quite well. I have no doubt we'll keep in touch. She's so lovely and we have a lot in common. That night we stayed at a lodge in the national park where a friend from Kerikeri is now working. I met him when I was doing fruit picking, he lived at the same hostel as me. So after the hike we met up. I was so exhausted though I really wasn't much company to him unfortunately. But it was still nice to meet up again. He's from Portland, Oregon so we'll probably keep in touch to and meet up some time again in North American (and no, mom, it's not romantical. Just friends).

The next day we headed to Wellington. I love Wellington. If I were to live in NZ, it would be there. It's just a good-feeling kinda city. Really cool and arty. I met up with one of the girls I lived and worked with at the motel in Franz Josef while I was there and that was so great! (See, some really wonderful things came out of my time in Franz Josef). After we had our own sit-down-catch-up-with-wine thing we went to the bar at the hostel I was staying at so she could meet my friend from the crossing. We all had a wonderful time that night dancing up a storm! Ahhhhhh! It felt so good to get on the floor and dance!!!

The next morning came very quickly when I dragged myself out of bed at 5:30am to catch the ferry to the south island. I didn't have to get up that early but after a few drinks the night before, mixed with some anxiety, it seemed like a really good plan... Not as such. But I survived of course. Caught the ferry, then got back on the bus on the other side. Now I'm at Old MacDonald's Farm in Abel Tasman (the top west point of the south island). I could do a walk today but I think I'll just chill out and wander around the farm. I saw some llamas down the road, and I do love those crazy long-neck beasts...

Tomorrow we'll head to Barrytown which is nothing but a hostel/bar. Where we'll all dress in costumes and get completely shitfaced. Then I'll be back in FRANZ JOSEF. I'm a little nervous and a little excited to see what that'll be like. Fun, I'm sure, as I still have friends there. I'll hop of the bus for a few nights then catch up with it again in Queenstown. My plan might change after that depending on my bus driver who I think is crazy and a little bit spiteful. We didn't hit it off so well back in Tongariro... long story. I'll get my pictures up ASAP! Especially since I'm running out of space on my memory cards.

Less than three weeks to go now! I'm looking forward to being home and catching up on the last 7 months with you all. I love you so much! See you soon!

wish I may I wish I might...

...please please please please, let me get out of this funk in time to enjoy my last few weeks in NZ...

The East Cape was lovely. I wish I had gone there earlier in my trip, maybe then I'd feel differently about NZ. I thought I'd fall in love with this country. I thought it'd be my mecca. Instead I just feel disconnected and lost at sea. I could live here happily, but I wouldn't feel a spark. I wouldn't call it home. A part of me is very disappointed by that because I don't really feel like Edmonton is "home" either. It's definitely where my heart is in terms of my family and friends, but for months before I even decided to leave I felt like I wasn't going to evolve any further there. There was nothing but ghosts for me. Maybe I'll see things differently when I get back? Who knows. I sorta hope not. New Zealand is just the beginning, and now that I know it isn't where I want to call home I can go out and find a new place that I do.

Currently I'm in Taupo... - Oh yeah, while in Gisborne on the East Cape I had my wallet stolen (or maybe it just walked away, they do that from time to time). So I'm in the process of sorting things out. It really wasn't that bad because I'm a smart lady and tucked away various pockets of emergency cash. And with a little help from home (thanks mom), my credit card was cancelled efficiently. I can replace just about everything else, and what I can't I maybe didn't need it anyways. So now Taupo via Rotorua. I played speed pool in a sumo suit tonight. That's about the highlight of my current trip. Last night I saw a really good NZ roots band too - Corner Stone Roots. They played at the hostel I was staying at so I got in for cheap.

Really not exciting. I know. I'm grumpy and anti-social. A wise friend once told me "if you want to have fun, you will. If you don't want to have fun, you won't" (something like that anyway). And she was right. Hopefully I can reset my mentality in Napier tomorrow and finish my New Zealand Adventure right. Fingers crossed!

blahdy blahdy blahhhh I'm on the East Cape

howdy folks!

my update is a tad more delayed than I originally intended, sorry. I'm now in Gisborne on the East Cape - famed for it's claim to be the very first place to see the sunrise of each new day. I will see on of those celebrity sunrises tomorrow at the wee hours of 6:30am. Can't wait. Riiiiight...

Anywho, this is a gorgeous and wonderfully laid-back place and I wish I could stay longer. I know in theory I can stay longer, but I still think it's time to come home. Err... I don't know anymore. Kerikeri was such a shithole it made me not care about even seeing the rest of NZ I just wanted to get the F out of dodge, as they say. But now that I'm not there I feel like I've been overzealous in my decision making! Gah! I'm really very frustrated with myself, particularly in the self-discipline and commitment departments...

Otherwise life is good. I'm relaxed, if not introspective. I have many things to look forward to in the coming weeks and each day my optimism and sense of adventure are returning. Oh! And I actually have a schedule! That's right right, I know (in theory) where I'll be for each of the remaining 30-something days of my trip. For example, tomorrow I will be back in Rotorua. Next week I'll see Taupo, Napier, Taupo, and Taurunga. Then Taupo (yes, I meant to put it in 3 times, if I zig-zag no one will follow my trail), the National Park, and Wellington. Followed by, as I'm sure you can predict, the south island. Incredible. It's almost as if I planned it all out. Imagine...

so that's me for now. Same ol' moody, emotional, semi-antisocial, tired, and grumpy-but-trying-to-hide-it me. The only thing I'm not is hungry. Go figure.

MacDonalds

hey! I'm using the internet in a MacDonalds and think I might tear out my hair from all the chaos around me. Here's another quick update due to money/time/internet/sanity restraints:

I've finished work as of yesterday. It was a glorious day (I think it may have even been a lotto day...). I'm leaving Kerikeri tomorrow in the wee hours of the am heading to Auckland to visit a friend and pick up a way-layed christmas parcel (yay!). Then I head back to Rototrua (for the ump-teenth time) to catch a bus for the east cape (said to be incredibly beautiful and rugged - like me). Then Taupo, Tongariro, and Wellington before returning to the south island for my "Good-bye" tour.

Living in Kerikeri has been less than wonderful but maybe strangley healing for me. I cried many nights from the frustration of feeling stuck and sharing personal space with 5 other girls. In the end we have become friends and they let me be moody and talk shit (also healing in a way, I love talking shit - it's a creative outlet). There will soon be a video floating around the internet of me making an ass of myself that won't make sense to anyone but us six. You may or may not see it one day, if I can get ahold of it.

When I get back to civilisation in Auckland I'll do a proper post. I can't form thoughts in this place (well, at least not ones that don't end in punches and flying karate kicks...)

I can't wait to come home :) less that 6 weeks now!

Feijoa Picking and the number 52

Yes!!!!! I have done my first week of fruit picking! Yay me! I was told many times over that fruit picking is really hard work for low pay, dirty, monotonous, etc. It is all of those things, but I think I got really lucky with the place that I'm at. I work with 5 other girls as a team, my boss is super nice - he gives us free feijoas and beer, I get to work outside all day, it's peaceful and simple, it's very active (lots of standing, walking, lifting and crawling under low trees), and the pay is good comparitively. I'm quite happy actually. I do not enjoy the place I'm living that much - I'd often rather be at work. But it's getting better as I settle in.

Having said all of those nice positive things, I have also decided not to stay. I will come home to Edmonton on the 27th of may! So I'll only work here for two more weeks, then I'll (hopefully) have enough money to finish exploring the south island and return (at which point I'll be broke). I still feel a bit back-and-forth about this decision, but over all I can feel a positive difference in my mood and energy levels so I think it's the right choice for me. It's quality over quantity after all.

I'll be home in 52 days! :D

fastest update ever!!!

ok, iternet is $1 for TEN minutes!! Ridiculous

I am currently in Kerikeri on the far north of the north island. I am picking fruit - feijoas (I don't know if that's the correct spelling). They are very tastey and aren't available in Canada. It doesn't pay that well, but better than most fruit picking jobs. I'll be here for 6-8 weeks or for only 3 weeks depending on what I decide as far as my flight home in may is concerned.

Will try to blog properly on sunday (day off)

the moment we've all been waiting for

FINALLY! I made it to the Balloons Over Waikato festival! I didn't think this day would actually come!

On the 23rd I returned to Hamilton from Auckland for the registration night for all crew members and pilots. That morning I had received some sad news from home about our cat, Smokey, who had to be put down. I wasn't really feeling that up-beat, and all day I kept meeting such nice people - like the old lady sitting beside me on the bus or the random guy who helped me carrying my bags to the hostel. Thank goodness too because I needed a little grace that day. In the evening I took a bus to the hotel where the meeting was. I felt really awkward. I didn't know anyone and it was clear that almost everyone else knew at least one other person there. I didn't have the energy to be the out-going, friendly traveler from Canada so I just sat quietly in the hall while I waited for the info thing to start. I did end up making a friend that night though - Emma. I met her through the pilot who had trained me a few weeks ago. He found me sitting alone in the hall and was really kind and invited me to sit with him and his crew. Emma gets my humor which is such a relief as not everyone does (which is lonely and occasionally embarrassing, ha ha).

Wednesday was the first day of the fest and we met at 6:45am at Innes Common, a field with a marquis tent on it. It's right in Hamilton and I just walk there from where I'm staying at the YWCA. It was really foggy and a storm was on its way so no one actually took off, but we did inflate the balloons and did little rides up and down. That was cool! I got to go on one of the first ones (see photos on flickr). That afternoon, as well as the next morning, our flights were canceled and the weather has been crap. Some balloons did take off on thursday morning, but our balloon is a special shape and therefore a bit harder to fly (from my understanding) so our pilot decided not to go. We did inflate it again though for the crowd to see. I got into the basket again to help weigh it down in the wind, but the wind got a hold of the balloon anyways and knocked us around! It was a bit scary but still quite fun. Thursday afternoon we went out to a primary school in Tirau to set up for the children. That was awesome! Unfortunately it was too windy to even put the balloon up so we just spread it out for the kids to see and periodically fired the burners. The kids were lots of fun to watch, they'd scream and cheer - some even got up and ran away (which was a bit sad because then they'd cry; poor lil' guys). Today's flight was also called off due to wind. It' sunny now at least, but still quite windy. Tonight we'll have a little parade with our baskets. My teams called the Fun-gi's (because we're a giant mushroom balloon), which was my suggestion (yay me!). Saturday is supposed to be the biggest day with the Night Glow fight that evening, then sunday morning is the last flight.

I'm glad that I did decide to see it through. I've promised myself I wouldn't stress about money or finding work until after the festival.

"Not all who wander are lost"

That was written on one of the boards holding up the top bunk over my current bed.

I'm sitting in a basement internet/kareoke cafe in Auckland. I love coming back to Auckland; it's like a mini home in between homes it seems. My belly is full of milk and cookies, my nostrils full of the smell of BO, my ears full of japanese kareoke, and my head full of questions. Dare I say, an existential crisis is a brewin', ha ha! OK, I say that in a sarcastic way. But there are a lot of questions floating around in the abyss there, such as: "What the fuck am I going to do now?" and "Why am I here?". I'm thinking A LOT about home, and my life over the past few years. Particularly a few unresolved emotional conflicts that I've been avoiding addressing. I've been binge eating like crazy since I got here (like, back in Novemebr I mean) and have gained a fair amount of weight. I'm trying to get a handle on it, but of course that means dealing with the thing that compels me to do it in the first place. Oh poo. The eating is so much more enjoyable than dealing...

hmmm. Now I don't know what to say? I feel lost. I feel like the same lost, insecure, confused person I was last year, the year before, the year before that, and the year before that. I've done how many different things on my own and with professional help to address that over the last decade? So what's the deal? Is this just me? An integral part of my existance (and possibly everyone elses) that is necessary for my evolution? If I didn't routinely lose myself would I be tempted to stay stagnant? I think I struggle with the thought that nothing is ever really permanent, and all things require maintentance. I, along with so many others, tend to have a rather all-or-nothing type thinking. I think in terms of nouns and not verbs. But happiness isn't constant and never really can be, can it?

There's a voice in my head that tells me the only way to find my way is to get more lost. That voice is a romantic. That voice is the same one that still believes in love. I don't want to ignore that voice, but it has been known for bringing me heartache... Durrrrr! I just don't understand anything anymore. I feel stunned (I've said this before). Like I don't even know what I want. I do in a practical sense, but I don't feel a connection or spark. I'm spending so much time alone these days I question if I even have a realistic grip on reality. I'm spending a large amount of time in my head. No wonder I don't want to be here anymore (that and the kareoke. It's painfull.). I was reading a magazine article today that was talking about Maslow's heirarchy of needs (google it) and comparing it to my current circumstances. While I'm by no means in dire straights, I felt like a lot of my needs aren't being met or I fear that they soon won't be - even the basic ones (it's actually kinda neat to look at when I think about it objectively).

(erg, I can't think straight with this smell/kareoke...)

I'm not that distressed by the lostness I'm experiencing, but it is somewhat disconcerting. I'm mostly just bored.

"Why do gorillas carry bananas?"

Since the encounter with the homeless guy, whom I have affectionately named "Chopper", I finished the Expo. I had to sell the Shammies all four days and did not make any comission (so just my less-than-minimum-wage base pay). It wasn't my favorite thing in the world but it really wasn't too bad. Anyways, my boss believed in me enough to ask me to work the next show in Palmerston North. So that's where I am now. The Field Days Expo starts tomorrow and ends saturday. This time I'll be selling the nail polish pens for sure - I told him I wanted to come work this weekend but I never wanted to sell the Ultimate Shammy ever ever again. This also solves the problem of what will I do with myself this week and where will I stay. I have an income (with potential to get more, though I'm doubtful), a purpose, and he's paying for my accomodation. So I'm content with that.

The Balloons Over Waikato Festival starts in a week. I've heard from the pilot I'll be crewing with and he's from America. I'll be working on "Shroom With a View" which is a giant flying mushroom!

The season appears to have changed as well; it's now fall. All the students have gone back to university and I'm so envious! I want to go home. I don't know if I really mean that, but... I want to go home. I'm not enjoying this right now - living out of a bag, looking at my bank statement and seeing it in the low hundreds... missing my friends and family, not having a routine, not having a plan. I know that was my whole schdik - to live a year without a plan. But four months in, I want a plan. I want to have a direction. I think the trick is finding the balance between knowing where you want to be going and staying flexible to unexpected opportunities. That has been one of my major lessons learned since leaving Franz Josef. It was when I really gave the no-plan plan a shot that I got to understand why people feel so coompelled to plan in the first place. That, and to finish school so I don't have to work shitty bullshit deadend jobs for the rest of my life feeling disillusioned and bored. I'm so tired of being here that I don't really feel that excited about the hot air balloon festival anymore. I just want to get it over with. I don't really like feeling that way... If I were to do this all again, I would do it differently. Not meaning that I regret it, just that I think I could have gained so much more from this experience had I gone about some things differently - or if I had even just prepared better. But, I obviously had (have) some lessons to learn in doing the things I've done, the way that I've done them.

answer: "because bananas can't walk"

Sales superstar?

Not as such. Not bad at it though, just not a sales person in my heart. Oh, but I'm not selling nailpolish pens anymore, now I'm selling shammy cloths - you know, like "Shamwow". Funny right?

Also, I kinda hate being here... right now. Just for right now. But still. Filled with hate and hurtful feelings that cause me make generalizations about people and places I don't know. Why? I'm mostly just feeling low energy and sad from spending the day asking for peoples' money when all I really wanted to do was say hello and have a conversation and not feel crazy and alone. But also because on my way back I was approached by a creepy, presumabley homeless person who completely violated my sense of security by saying weird shit in a way that made me think (know) I was in danger then proceed to follow me in broad daylight surrounded by other people. I asked some random ladies if I could walk with them and pretend I knew them, they were even going in the opposite direction I needed to go but it didn't matter. I lost him and got on a bus and while we were sitting there waiting for the driver's break to finish he got on the bus. He kept saying things like "you make a man want to do things..." then trail off and say "I'm so glad I met you, you seem so trusting", etc, etc. Finally, I jumped out at the last second at a stop that was nowhere near mine because I knew he would just wait and get off at my stop - he even tried to get out when I did but I think the driver knew what was up and drove away before the guy could. Hamilton is a small place and I'm really easy to recognize now because of my hair (and orange backpack). I want to leave. I want to just leave, forget about the job and the balloon festival. That's not fair.

JOB NEWS!

Ok, so the first time I was in Rotorua I applied at a bar next door to the backpackers hostel to get some experience bar tending. It's a bit of a catch-22 to get bar tending experience because no one wants to hire you if you don't already have experience. The called me to set up an interview the night before I left for Hamilton last week but I couldn't obviously go because I was leaving. We set it for monday (yesterday - remember, I'm a day ahead of you) and I figured I'd actually just cancel it and stay in Hamilton or go else where. But on sunday when I was asking myself 'what now?' I figured I may as well go to the interview since it was the only response I had gotten from any of the places I applied to (I was really starting to feel rejected and even doubt my "high employability" I so often claim to have). I came back, had the interview, dazzled my would-be employer (of course), and was offered a job. It was only part time and would include two days in the kitchen, but they would let me have the time off for the balloon fest and I could start training immediately (and I am desperate). I really struggled to decide what I'd do because realistically I want (need) full-time work, not to mention that I wasn't entirely keen to work in the kitchen of a night club. If I took the job it would just be to use them for work until the festival then I'd probably quit and go do fruit picking. That idea made me feel really uncomfortable though, I didn't want to be dishonest but I was getting desperate. I battled with it all afternoon, decided at least a dozen times that I would take it then changed my mind, made a pro/cons list, etc. Before going to bed I remembered an ad for a sales job at a four day expo in hamilton that I copied down the number to but put off applying to as I didn't want to do sales either (so I'm picky, ok). I'd rather do sales and make a shitty commision than lie and use this other job so I resolved to call the guy in the morning and, more or less, beg for a job. If that didn't work, I'd swallow my integrity and take the bar job (and repent after, ha!). Well, firts thing when I woke, I called the guy, charmed him instantly (I'm getting quite good at that by the way) and I start training tomorrow! My conscious is relieved! AND I'm actually really excited about the sales job too. The guy sounds really fun and the product is something I can sell - nail polish pens! http://www.miginailart.com/ If everything goes well I'll ask him if I can do another expo the following weekend, it's in the same area. If everything goes crap, then I'll still get atleast $80 a day to keep me afloat until I can get out to Tauranga for fruit picking. But seriously, I'm going to be good at this job, maybe not a prodigy, but I will make out ok. I can feel it!

Speaking of honesty, I randomly checked the wwoofing website because I had a feeling there would be a note about me on the profile of the person whose ID I was using. See, I was givin the book with all the host contact info in it by an american girl who was leaving NZ. She said I could just pretend to be her so I don't have to pay the fee (which is really quite reasonable, but I'm cheap sometimes). I wasn't sure if it was something I was interested in so I carried the book for a while and only really looked at it when I was feeling disgruntled in Franz Josef. Anyways, when I was at the naturist place and had a really horrible time, I told them as soon as I got there that I was using someone else's number which they seemed ok with. But when I decided to leave early, the lady of the house asked for the number I was using. I knew exactly what she was going to do but felt honesty would be the best policy. Sure enough she had a waring put out about me that I wasn't registered, etc. I laughed but it still hurt to see my name in bold claiming that I am a fraud. It really bothered me. I wouldn't stop thinking about out. I thought up all kinds of mean emails to send that nasty woman! But I had a better idea, I'd email the organization instead. I admitted to using the book and requested that the bold be removed from Kelly's profile so not to damage her good name, I assured them I threw away the book and confided that after my experience with the naturists I had absolutely no desire to try wwoofing again. I even provided my contact info if they had any questions. I didn't tell them what happend at the farm, just that I felt mistreated. If they want to look into it they can, but I don't have to be petty. They emailed me back promptly thanking me, saying they removed the warning, and apologizing for my unfortunate experience. Now I get to ride around on my high-horse feeling like the bigger (read "better") person. Ha ha ha ha! So I am bit petty after all, I didn't have to be mean about it though.

In other exciting news, my dreads are coming along very nicely. I am frequently getting positive comments and inquiries about them - and that feels just sooooo lovely! Also, I recieved my official acceptance into the education program at U of A, so I'll be starting school again in september (yes, that means I'll be home in august at the latest). I love school so much that I might as well get a job in a school, really.

So that's me for now. Heading back to Hamilton early tomorrow morning. I'll update this again after the expo and my debut as a sales superstar.

Ballooney

This morning I had my Balloons Over Waikato crew training (see my flickr for pictures) and it was cool. I feel so privilaged that I get to do this. The best part is that I made it happen! I wanted it, asked for it, and was determined. Not that it was difficult, they're actually short volunteers and therefor desperate - but don't burst my balloon! Now I just need to survive financially for the next 3 weeks. It's worth it though. Being there is so much more different then imagining; everyone knows that but I often forget. I can't wait to see all the balloons there at once. I'm probably going to get to work on "special shapes" which are the balloons that are shaped like birthday cakes and dinosaurs (yes, I did say dinosaurs)! I WILL find a way to stay afloat until the end of the festival on march 28th! I can do this!

In the mean time I'm not sure where I'll go. It would be smart to just stay in Hamilton and save money, but this place is boring when you have no money and no friends. I might try to find a wwoofing place nearby to stay at, but we all know how well that went last time. Third times a charm maybe? If not, then I may just hang around in Raglan. If I'm spending money to stay in hostels anyways, I might as well do it in a place that is beautiful. It's free to sit a the beach everyday, and there are people there I can make friends with. Plus, then I can hand out CVs in a town I'd actually want to stay in for a while (and maybe, just maybe, I'll get a chance to go surfing again...)

biding time

I'm in Hamilton now. I'm all over the freakin' map mentally though. The reason I'm now here is because I have training this saturday for the hot air balloon festival that's coming up on the 24th. I was really excited to be a part of this festival but lately I've been so anxious about my financial situation that it's making me think I don't even want to do it anymore. The festival is close enough that I feel really limited about finding a job, especially considering that I don't think I really want to find one here in Hamilton. Ths is a nice town - with beautiful gardens - but it's a bit dull and I would like a job that's active and gets me meeting other people (in my age group preferably). I did decide to put in an application to the caving thing in Waitomo (and I must say, I felt I did a really good cover letter) so I'll give them a call next week to follow up. Remember that overnight boat trip I did right at the begining? The one with the orcas. Well, they're hiring too and that would be spectacular! I just hope I can get my timing right as I can only have an interview in person. That would be an awesome job though...

My training for the balloon fest will be on saturday. At that point I'll decide if I'm going to hang around for the festival itself (which I really hope that I do) or if I'll go get a job fruit picking or something. I think it would be a real bummer if I didn't go to the festival, but right now it just seems more like a stresstival. :P

"value for money"

WHOA! It has been an awesome and hectic few days! I can't even believe it's only been 4 days since I left Auckland on the Stray bus...

Auckland on a thursday:

That morning I got up at 6:30am to pack my shit and catch the Stray bus (see www.straytravel.co.nz) heading south. I could've slept longer because it was a half hour late (but that gave me time for some breakfast seeing as I spent my time staring at the bottom of the top bunk wondering why I so frequently have weird dreams). Once on the bus, we drove around to pick up others at others hostels, the headed to Mt. Eden for our "welcome to Stay" speech. Our bus driver was Nick, and it was his first trip (ha ha...). Next we headed over to the Stray office to get a quick tutorial on how to manage our trip online. Then we got lost.

No really, we were lost and we hadn't even left Auckland.

We obviosuly did figure it out, found the office, did the tutorial, and were on the road to Hahei, via Thames!

Then we got lost again.

Nick missed the turn somewhere and drove for 20 minutes before realizing it. So we made our own route through the country. I thought it was really funny so I felt pretty chilled-out about it aside from being hungry. I felt sorry for the driver though, I'm sure he felt like a bit of a tit. We did make it to Hahei in time to do some sea kayaking in Cathedral Cove, which was really beautiful! We even got hot chocolate and cookies once we got to the cove. It was perfect. That nice we visitied Hot Water beach where geothermal pockets under the beach heat up the water in the sand. When the tide goes out you can dig a hole and the water that fills it is hot! Really, it was so hot in some places that a few of use recieved some minor burns (myself included). That night the tide didn't go out until about 10:30 so it was really cool hanging out on the beach in the dark and running into the ocean when it was too hot. Ah... just thinking about it now makes me smile fondly...

Hahei to Raglan (friday):

Early start that morning, on to Raglan - the surf capital of NZ. I don't think we got lost. I actually don't remember for some reason. No... we didn't. I was originally thinking I'd stay in Raglan for a few extra days and surf more but I changed my mind so that I could get a deal on another activity somewhere else the next day (I'll explain it later). The place we stayed at was a little ways out of town, and absolutley gorgeous. Nestled in the rainforest, 5 min walk to the beach. My surfing lessons started pretty much as soon as I got there. First we did practicing on dry land then headed down to the beach. Raglan is known for having the largest left hand break in the world. That means that when a wave comes in, instead of folding over itself and crashing down, it rolls itself into a nice tube-like shape which is particularly sweet for surfing (or so I'm told). I swallowed a large portion of the Tasman Sea that day, but it was totally worth it. I want to do it again right now. It was an instant kinda love - the kind that makes me think I don't want to come home for school. The kind that makes me think I'll move to Australia's Gold Coast... I do have pictures, but I don't have them with me at the moment to put on the computer now, so you'll have to wait a bit. Anywho... Raglan... love it.... maybe going back soon....

Raglan to Maketu, via Waitomo (saturday):

The reason that I didn't stay in Raglan for longer was that I could get a huge discount on a caving adventure in Waitomo. Since I'm quite short on cash at the moment I opted to continue with Stray. Waitomo is known for its glowworm caves - in fact, I think they may be the only reason the "town" exists. It seemed like another Franz Josef in that sense. Maybe that's why I started considering applying for a job there and staying? (I know, it's like I enjoy being miserable or something...). I signed up for the Haggis Honking Holes (google it) which is a 4 hour trip into the depth of the earth! I don't remember how deep were were but this seriously pushed my sense of security. I was very nervous about the abseiling and squeezing my fat ass through rocks. I was also acutely aware of how difficult it would be to get a body out of the caves... just saying. But it was an amazing experience and I'm soooooooooooooo glad I did it. I don't have any pictures but I will never forget it, and I still am considering applying for a job there (yes, I'm serious. I was even chattng up one of my guides to find out more)(I know, I know...).

We did not stay in Waitomo, so that afternoon we headed off to Maketu for a Moari cultural experience at an overnight stay in a marae.

You'll never believe this - we got lost. Twice.

I'm a very lucky girl because I had the opportunity to go to a real Marae when I was working in Franz Josef. This was the same idea but less formal (also less impressive as the other building in terms of the carvings and stuff). They also had a concert for us, sang some traditional Maori songs, did the Haka (google "All Blacks Haka") then taugh the men how to do the Haka and the ladies how to do Poi (google it, I'm not explaining it). I had a really good sleep that night (oh, that was just last night!).

Maketu to Now (today; aka sunday):

I woke up to the thumping sounds of ABBA blaring in the kitchen next door to the marae. I, for one, woke up smiling. Some of the others did not. As I ate my meager breakfast I was informed that there had been a huge earthquake in Chile. Due to the aftershocks, that meant that there was a Tsunami warning for certain parts of New Zealand including where we were staying. Thus, we all packed up quick and left at a respectable pace.

Then got lost.

Today I did some white water rafting on the Kaituna river with a grade 5, 7 meter waterfall. SWEEET! It was really cool and again, I was very nervous. We had a really great time thanks to this one guy (who I can't stand) who was a total disaster. A walking calamity really. He was a man-child who was ill prepared for taking care of himself in the real world. Yes, that is hostility you're sensing from my tone, but I do mean it when I say that we had a great time thanks to him. It was just so funny when he did the opposite of nearly everything the guide told him to do. We all gave him a hard time in a joking way, but I did feel rather sorry for him just incase he was taking it harder than he showed. I had to laugh sometimes to stop myself from pushing him out of the boat, I won't lie. I hope he figures it out one day, or meets a really awesome chick who can take care of him... So back to that 7m fall - our boat flipped completely upside-down and we were all tossed out! I was half under the boat but found my way easily out. It was great, we all came up with big smiles and got back in, then continued on our merry way. I will have pictures of this at some point but I'm waiting for them to be emailed to me which could take some time.


And that's it. I'm in Rotorua now for a few night or possibly longer. I could go to the East Cape or I could go get a job for a few weeks. Who knows? Wish I did... I guess I'll know soon enough.

Straying Southbound

Ok here it is, the semi-sorta-plan-like direction that I'm going in:

I get in the Stray but tomorrow and head to Hahei (search Cathedral Cove) where I'll hopefully do some kayaking. I'll stay there for one night then move on to Raglan, a sweet little surf town. I think I'll get out there for 3 days to do some surfing lessons. Next will be Waitomo, for some glowworm cave adventures, followed by Whakatane, Rotorua, and the East Cape. My vague, non-commital plan will take me to approximately march 10th then, with much luck, I will find a short-term job doing fruit picking in Taraunga before I head to Hamilton for the Balloons Over Waikato festival where I'll be a volunteer hot air balloon crew person.

I'm sure what actually comes to pass will not resemble this but if not, let's hope it's something even better!

As for the last couple days, I've just been relaxing in Auckland. I did a hike to the summit of Rangitoto island - a now dormant volcano, and the summit of Mt. Eden - a less impressive dormant/extinct volcano. Did I mention before that Auckland is on something like 50 old volcanos? They're all over the place! It's pretty neat. I broke my camera in a cave on the islad when I tripped so I got to buy myself a new camera! Woohoo, out with the old in with the new :D

I will update those pictures and more when I'm less lazy and more organized...

Turn of Events

Oh boy, what a week!

First let me say thank you to all the birthday well-wishers. I turned 26 on the 19th of feb. I had a great birthday - perhaps not the best EVER, but still smile-worthy.

The Naturists:

The place I was wwoofing at was a naturist barnstay, which just means it was a nudist B&B in a barn-style home. However, they recently had a complaint placed against them and were audited and forced to "close". They still live there obviously, but they can't take guests anymore. I'm not sure when the complaint was placed but I reckon it has been a while because the place was not taken care of, inside and out. No guests meant no nudity. I have to admit I was a little disappointed by that because I was keen to step outside my comfort zone and face some body issues I've been having recently. I suppose I could've still walked around naked but it's not the same... Anyways, I thought that I hit it off well with my host "mom" and "dad". They seemed like really nice, open people. But after the first day I felt more like a tolerated servant who had overstayed. I felt very isolated (which I knew would happen but I thought they'd atleast let me use the internet. No, they didn't). I had started thinking about staying for my birthday and finishing out the week there on monday then heading back to Wellington to activate my Stray bus pass that I bought while I was still in Canada (it's a hop-on-hop-off tourist bus for backpackers - I went with them to the Bay of Islands at the start of the trip)...

Rather than typing out a long story about how rudely I was talked to and treated at dinner on thursday night I'll sum it up to say that I don't care for those people, I felt very upset and decided to leave the next morning so that I could avoid having the worst birthday EVER. Friday morning I got a ride back to Wellington, found a room in a backpackers for the night and proceeded to feel superior and make a new plan.

Wellington birthday:

This weekend in Welly the was a music festival called "Home Grown" and it features kiwi bands. It was completely sold out and I didn't really know much about it. Because of the festival though, all the backpackers hostels were completely booked for saturday night and I could only get an expensive single room on friday (but I was willing to take anything on friday). I wasn't too worried, I would figure something out... Anyways, while doing my laundry I met some kiwi guys who were here for the music thing and insisted I meet them for a drink later that evening. After I finally agreed, one of them decided it was a date. I laughed, they were rowdy and having a good time, maybe I would actually go.

I got there a half hour late and realized he really wanted it to be a date (oops!), but he forgave my tardiness when I announced it was my birthday. I had a drink and played some pool with him and his brothers/cousins/random people they decided were friends - and it was really fun! It was just chilled-out and easy. Perfect! They insisted that I needed to get a ticket to Home Grown the next day and even offered to pay for it, or at least half. I left them to their party, and watched a cheesey movie in my private room then got a good nights sleep.

Home Grown:

OH MY GOD!!!! I HAD THE BEST TIME EVER!!!!

I managed to find a ticket for less than the regular price. I met up with those guys again and saw some stellar kiwi bands, my favorites being Salmonella Dub, Kora, and the Black Seeds. I had tons of people complement my dreads (which I needed to hear because right now they're a little all over the place and weird, and I was having some doubts), the weather was beautiful, everyone was so nice. I accidently lost the guys I was hanging around with (and I had put my backpack in their room because I had to check out. They said I could crash with them because I had no where to go too) just in time for my phone to go completely dead! I was totally alone at this concert! I was a little nervous about it but just kept telling myself that I'd find them eventually or just go back to their room and wait. I was alone for my three favorite bands of the night and had a really awesome time. I was so happy when Black Seeds came on that I honestly wanted to cry. Sooooooooooooooooo happy! Kora was last and I was exhausted so I sat down. When I decided to give up on finding the guys and head back to the room to wait, they found me (of course). My "date" had injured himself and they ended up going to the medic tent and spending most of their time there. Let's just say I'm glad I got lost.

Once we reunited we went to a bar (I'm not sure why, they were all so exhausted and misurable... and injured). Gave up on that, got back to the room and found we were two beds short (well, not really - I was a crasher and one of the brothers never paid to begin with). So myself and another brother slept in the car.

Better to sleep in a car than under one. Though, you often wake up feeling the same...

Today and Tomorrow:

I have a room for tonight and I'll be getting on the bus in the morning heading back to Auckland to begin my tour of the north island. As usual, I don't really have a plan, I'm just going to travel until I either a) get tired of it, b) find a place and/or job I really like and stay there for a bit, or c) run too low on money, panic, and take some job I don't like but feel like I have to do so that I can save up to do it all again on the south island. As for wwoofing, I feel a little burned. There are still things I want to learn about like bees and gardens and llamas, so maybe later I try again. But I don't think it's really for me, I find it difficult to relax in other peoples' home and work for them under ambiguous terms.

Good-bye Franz, the glacier, road trip, Wellington & Paraparaumu

This will be the third attempt at blogging in the last two days. The computer kept crashing... fingers crossed!

Well, first off, I'm not sick anymore which means I'm in significantly higher spirits than my previous blog. 

I've now been out of Franz Josef for two weeks! Looking back on life there I'm a lot more aware of both how good the good was and how bad the bad. That was really not a healthy place for me to be living in. I will go back through there in a few months to visit friends that are still there and pick up some stuff I left behind. Part of me does miss it. It was easier, I had an income, I had a community (dysfunctional yes, but still...), I had a place that I could sort of call my own, and I was relatively comfortable.

The weekend before I left some friends took me onto the glacier so I could finally see it. It was SPECTACULAR. I am trying to get some pictures on my flickr, but that may have been why the computer kept crashing so it'll have to wait for now. But really, it was a humbling experience. If you ever have the chance to walk on a glacier - do it. I'm told there are only 3 like this in the world and two of them are on the west coast of NZ (Franz Josef and Fox). When I come back through I hope to go on again. It'll be completely different by then because it changes daily. INCREDIBLE! If I had known better I would've applied to be a glacier guide (and my life in Franz Josef would have been completely different)... but I didn't so it wasn't really meant to be. Better things await me!

The road trip north was refreshing and the weather was gorgeous. I have much I could say about this but I won't. I just don't really feel like it and I don't think you'd have much of an appreciation for it anyways. I did cut it a bit short when I decided to get out in Wellington and stay for the weekend at a friend's house there, rather than going to Hawk's Bay then returning on monday. That was a very good idea too. Stopping in Welly and spending time with people there was soooooooooo wonderful - dare I say healing! It felt really good to stop and just be there. Plus, the weather was gorgeous and I LOVE Wellington - that is a city I could see myself living in.

ps. while I was there I had my hair put into dreads. That has been a journey all on its own. I had no idea how high-maintenance they would be! But I'm confident that I'll be happy in a few weeks when they've started to "mature" a bit. More on that later and pictures to follow soon...

Last monday I came to Paraparaumu for my first wwoofing home (I think I said this in the last blog?). "Wwoofing" is when you work in exchange for accomodation and food; it stands for "Willing workers on organic farms". Not all the places are farms but most of the places are at least 75% organic in whatever it is they do. Here is the website www.wwoof.co.nz. It's a good way to get around the country on the cheap, meet real kiwis, and learn new things. I haven't decided yet if it's for me. We'll see how the next one goes. Today I'm in a hostel at the beach in Paraparaumu. I stayed here the last two nights because I wanted to be around people and feel ironically more comfortable than I had at the yoga place I was wwoofing at. It has been a good, relaxing and uneventful weekend.

At 1pm I'll be picked up by my next wwoofing host who runs a naturist barnstay a short distance from here in Waikanae. Naturist means nudist. I didn't know that. I thought it meant "people who really like nature". I'm just glad someone pointed that out before I got there so I'd not only have some time to adjust to the idea, but wouldn't freak out when I arrive and everyone is naked! HA ha ha ha! I can tell there will be a good story coming out of this...

....

I have soooo much to say and even less time than usual. It costs $3 NZD to use the internet for 30 minutes at the library here and I can only use it for 30 minutes at a time, but there's nowhere else to go.

I am currently in Paraparaumu, a smallish town just an hour north of Wellington. I'm working for room and board at a yoga centre, mostly just puling weeds out of their gravel drive way. I'll stay here until saturday (I'm leaving a day early because I don't like it here) then blah blah blah - read the blog below...

Anywho, I'm sick again. Sore throut. I haven't gone to a doctor yet because I"m waiting to see if it gets worse. I think it's getting better because it's been sore since monday, but today I started coughing. Tomorrow I'll decide for sure

omg this is such a boring blog. Next I should tell you what I ate today...

I'm grumpy. I shouldn't even publish this because I hate grumpy or sad blogs. But I'm also trying to be honest. I'm not that happy right now (and becoming increasingly irritable... what happened to QUIET libraries?!). I want to go "home". That doesn't necessarily mean Canada, it just means that I don't look forward to living on other people's floors, couches, or guest beds for the next undetermined amount of weeks. I know this is just the first host home for me and it'll get better, I also won't be sick forever either.... bllaaagggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I miss my old life where I felt like I had more freedom and control over what I did on a daily basis. I kinda wish I had bought a car when I got here because then I'd have a space that was really mine. I remember how much solice I found in my car when I was living with my parents and feeling like a bum (no offence to you, mom and dad, you're wonderful parents but I need to feel like I have a space that's really mine). I guess I still can buy a car but something in me doesn't want to...

I just purposefully make things hard for me and tell myself that it builds character. When am I finally going to admit that sometimes it just makes me bitchy and sad?

going north

very quick lil' update:

I'm no longer getting out in Golden Bay as my friend, Warrick, travels to Wellington for school. Now I'm going all the way to Welly and possibly even a bit beyond to his parent's farm in Hawks Bay for the weekend of feb 6. Then I return to Welly and head to Paraparaumu by train to my first wwoof home at the Lotus Yoga Centre. I'll stay there for a week doing various odd jobs then make my way to Waikanae to my second wwoof home at Nirvananaturally which is a naturist retreat that I'll reside at for a week as well. I have nothing planned yet after that until the begining of march where I'll spend a couple weeks in an old west town at Mellonsfolly Ranch (unofficial wwoof home #3), until I head to Hamilton for the Balloons Over Waikaito festival where I hope to be a volunteer crew memeber for a hotair balloon or two.

... well, so much for not planning. But hey, there's still pleanty of adventure possibilities within this skeletal plan - and nothing is really for sure at this point. Now I just need to pack my bags (more difficult than it sounds), make it through the last 2 days of work (worse than it sounds!), and say some teary-eyed good-byes over the weekend. It actually feels a little surreal - I thought I'd never leave Franz...

"Are you a possum or a cat?"

uuuuugggghh. This is the slowest internet! I wonder if they do that on purpose because they charge you money for it; you have to use it longer, thus paying more, to get your stuff done...

Ssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I'm leaving Franz Josef. Finally. (I'm so annoyed by this computer that I can't focus...). Yep, leaving. Here's the low down:

- I tried to renegotiate my massage contract at the Hot Pools
- they weren't interested
- I quit.

My last day will be this coming friday, then on sunday (jan 31st) I will go north with a friend heading to Wellington (he's going back to school) on the southernmost part of the north island, and I will likely get out in Golden Bay on the northwest corner of the south island. Road trip! Yay!

You may be wondering what I'll do when I get there. That would be a good question that I don't really know the answer to. I'm thinking I want to do some WWOOFing, which is working for food and accomodation on organic farms. That would be AWWESOOME! I am a little nervous about it. I found some places I'd be interested in going to - one is even a yoga retreat! But I'm scared that people will be like they were here in FJ. My employers were some of the most insincere people I have ever worked for. I've been very lucky with jobs at home - I had some fantastic and genuinely caring employers! My standards are high. But in return I usually* have a high work ethic (*conditions apply).

I'm distracted by a german girl behind me talking on skype...

errr. I don't know what happens next. I suppose that was my intention, but I don't really know what to say or do here. Nothing, I suppose, just simply notice and go with it...

Oh I almost forgot - the title of todays post: last night I was walking home from the bar, as I do most nights. And when I was passing a fish n' chips shop with picnic tables in front I saw a cat sitting on one of the table benches. The angle of the table put it's body in shadow save for it's pointy ears and pink nose. I started reaching towards it with my eager grin that I reserve only for kitties, then stopped with my hand about a foot away from it's head and thought out loud "wait... are you a cat or a possum?" (smile is gone). The thing jumps out of shadow and shows that yes, it is a possum. I nearly pet a possum. I could have lost my arm, but they sure are cute! :D

light at the end of Cron Street (well the opposite when I'm walking home from the bar... like tonight)

It's wednesday. My most favorite and least favorite Franz Josef day of the week. "Least" because it's the middle and I can't bear another two days of work; "most" because it's kareoke night at the Blue Ice.

And my throught hurts from sing-yelling at the top of my lungs :D

On my way home I stopped to blog because I'm a fucking geek. Whatever. There has been much a brewing. Or not. It just seems like it because I let small things engulf my entire line of sight.

Did I mention I just came from the bar?

Any whooooooo... So I'm done with Franz Josef. I don't care if my employer promises me the moon and stars - it's time to MOVE ON! My heart tells me so, and what my heart wants it gets (more or less). So what now?

Well, I would really like to go out and try some really cool shit.
Such as, but not limited to, milking cows, sheering sheep, nursing lambs, honeying bees, gardening gardens, snapping fingers, tapping toes (not to be confused with bumping boots), throwing myself out of planes and off of a bridge, learning the flying trapeez, being a volunteer crew member at the hotair balloon festival, seeing penguins, rafting, avoiding spittle from alpacas, surfing, smiling at people, waving at passing cars, climbing rocks, swimming in beautiful lakes, catching fishes and making someone else kill them because I'm a coward, eating tastey fishes, various other activities that make my heart sing...

Oh! And shaving my head. Yep, I really want to shave my head on february 19, 2010 (my 26th birthday BTW). I've wanted to try it just once since highschool. So for my birthday I will (probably) do it. (oops, I just picked my nose on video surveilence... heh heh). I have some very good, and dare I say thought provoking reasons that I will describe in the next blog as I am out of time, money, energy, and the ability to focus my thoughts. So let's leave it at this - it's important to me and maybe one day it'll mean something to you.

goooooooooooooooood night!

SKYDIVING

I finally did it! I went skydiving at the Fox Glacier which is about a 45 minute drive from Franz Josef. It's a town about the same size, same weather, but with diffierent glacier. We've had a couple days of gorgious weather and they managed to sqeeze me in since I was cancelled on so many times (really it was only 2). They had a driver pick me up in Franz with two other guys to take us to Fox. As soon as we got there we signed a waiver then got geared up. They went through a very fast run down of what we need to do when we're in the plane and sky and then we got strapped to our tandem master, did a practice "jump" (just how to hang out of the plane properly), got into the plane, and took off. They only do 2 jumps at a time so it was me and a guy from Ireland who went first. I was crammed in closest to the door so I was also the first to jump - though, I didn't actually have to jump, I just had to hang out of the plane and fall with my guy.

OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH IT WAS SO COOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!

We were told that as we fall we had to be bananas and arch our backs. We did some summer saults while we were free falling! It was so strage to watch the world spinning around you. It goes so fast you don't have time to even make sense of it. I couldn't have gotten sick if I wanted to because I couldn't register it. I was told the free-fall is 45 sec long. The longest 45 seconds of my life so far. I guess with something like that you're forced to really live in the moment and that's why it seems to take forever. It was really hard to breathe too! I could feel my nostrils flared wide from the wind and if I smiled it created like a wind tunnel effect and I'd choke a bit! Ha ha ha ha! I got a dvd of the whole thing and in it I have a tight lipped smile the whole way down, I look so funny! Adding to that, I also drooled at some point so I have spit on my face for the entire thing until I get to the ground and notice (so embarrassing)! HA HA HA HA haha!

The best part though was when he pulled the parachute. When I tried to imagine myself skydiving I only ever thought about the fall not the parachute part. It was so incredibly serene. There was maybe a bit of a breeze. I could see EVERYTHING - the Tasman Sea, the mountains, Fox glacier, farm land, rainforest, rivers... it was incredible! It was so calm and gentle I could have been sitting on a park bench. The straps hurt me a bit though, I have bruises in my arm pits to show for it. But that's minor.

I've been trying to get the DVD onto the computer so I could upload it to a site for everyone to see but this computer (and the one beside me) sucks. I have some of my own pictures which you can see on my flickr site. I can't even get the professional pictures onto the computer so those will just have to wait for now.

In other news:

Franz Josef is still just as small and suffocating as I've ever found it, if not more. I have run into that guy since new years. That was awkward but it's ok. We can coexist in the bar and I've even chatted briefly with him as is nothing ever happened. Work has really been bothering me lately. I've decided to try and re-negotiate my contract so I send an email to my boss detailing the things I'm having issues with and possible solutions. I also said in the email that if they aren't willing to work with me on it or we can't come to an agreement then they can consider the email my official resignation. It's quite possible that in two weeks I may be moving on....... wouldn't that be lovely?

If this is a sign of things to come - bring it on, 2010!

oh New Years. My least favorite holiday. Why? Because it is completely overrated. So much pressure is put on this one night! The best New Years celebrations I've had were either spent watching Buffy on DVD and/or I was in bed by 10:30. Over the last few years I've made less and less an effort to actually do something special on this holiday.

But I wondered, could Franz Josef be the place to have the best New Years Eve ever?...

I worked the day, and spent my thinking time trying to decide what I would do. I had some options. When I got home I ran into some neighbors and made my decision after chatting with them and sharing in their enthusiasm. I quickly went home to get ready and tried to ignore the forboding thought in the back of my mind that kept telling me the night wouldn't be what I excpected. I walked to the local's bar of choice, the Blue Ice, with 25minutes until countdown. Anxious, excited, and increasingly irritable. I would feel better once I got there.

Once I arrived, said hello to those I knew, got a drink in my hand, and settled in for some dancing I took a moment to look around. I wanted to take it all in; live and enjoy the present moment. But something still felt wrong. I couldn't place it. It was just the atmosphere, the energy in the room. I can only describe it as feeling like there's took much static and you're just waiting to get a shock. The countdown came and went. I went outside to get some air and notice a friend from work looking rather sullen and grim. He was drunk (very) and having some problems with his girlfriend. I thought it would be a good opportunity to stop thinking about feeling strange and focus on "helping" a friend. After sitting and chatting for a while I felt better and ready to go back inside. As I was walking up the steps to the second level where the bar is I happened to turn and look down the street where I could see a group of people approaching. In that group was the guy that I briefly mention in my previous updat, who I have been involved with.

And he was kissing someone else.

With my drink in hand, I composed myself, walked down the steps, walked down the street at a controlled yet intentional pace, approached this person and threw my drink in his face.

YES. I did. I did it without any hesitation or second thoughts.

I turned and walked back to the bar just as purposefully as I had come. I felt vindicated. Liberated. Horrible. Did that really just happen? Fuck. Now what do I do? Do I stay here and have an awefull night trying to casually share the same bar as that scowndrel? Would I be happier surrendering to New Years Eve and just going home?

I grabbed my jacket, said goodbye to friends (I was clearly upset but insisted on walking alone). There was no way I was going to recover from this tonight. I will just go home and go to bed. But not until I walk by him one more time, giving him the full weight of my scorned glare (and it's a douzy. If you have never seen me angry - really angry - you may or may not want to). My intention was to walk directly towards him without even hiding my emotions, give the impression that I'd tear into him then at the last moment, without slowing down, continue on my way without saying a word.

But he wanted a word. So under the light of the petrol station we argued. I had a sinking feeling I was wrong. He was angry and I was now just confused. As we argued we were watched by passing friends and tourists on their way to the bar, each wishing us a "happy new year" as they passed. Finally he gave up and walked away and I just stood there feeling stunned.

This was a perfect moment.

I couldn't think. I was... empty. But not the devestated kind of empty. It was the emprty where all you have is you and deep down you know that's enough. I didn't know what to do or what I even wanted to do. So I just stood there looking at the moon (which was full and beautiful btw). A tourist named Bill who saw the entire argument was also stunned and standing there. I turned to him and said "well now what?". He then insisted I explain the whole thing to him so he could give me a guys perspective. It was actually really sweet. Then came the moment of truth - what was I going to do? I did not want to go back in there and face him. I didn't want to go home either. And that's when I knew what my resolution was; if doing something scares me and I just want to chicken out, I resolve to face it. So I went back in. I didn't talk to him, I just focussed on having a good time. Eventually he left (probably didn't want to be in the same room as me) and I relaxed. I drank enough to hold of the sad feelings that were sure to come once I was sure it was over between us. But I can honsetly say I ended up having one of the best nights ever. Not just a New Years Eve night. But just a great night.

Because I chose to.