If this is a sign of things to come - bring it on, 2010!

oh New Years. My least favorite holiday. Why? Because it is completely overrated. So much pressure is put on this one night! The best New Years celebrations I've had were either spent watching Buffy on DVD and/or I was in bed by 10:30. Over the last few years I've made less and less an effort to actually do something special on this holiday.

But I wondered, could Franz Josef be the place to have the best New Years Eve ever?...

I worked the day, and spent my thinking time trying to decide what I would do. I had some options. When I got home I ran into some neighbors and made my decision after chatting with them and sharing in their enthusiasm. I quickly went home to get ready and tried to ignore the forboding thought in the back of my mind that kept telling me the night wouldn't be what I excpected. I walked to the local's bar of choice, the Blue Ice, with 25minutes until countdown. Anxious, excited, and increasingly irritable. I would feel better once I got there.

Once I arrived, said hello to those I knew, got a drink in my hand, and settled in for some dancing I took a moment to look around. I wanted to take it all in; live and enjoy the present moment. But something still felt wrong. I couldn't place it. It was just the atmosphere, the energy in the room. I can only describe it as feeling like there's took much static and you're just waiting to get a shock. The countdown came and went. I went outside to get some air and notice a friend from work looking rather sullen and grim. He was drunk (very) and having some problems with his girlfriend. I thought it would be a good opportunity to stop thinking about feeling strange and focus on "helping" a friend. After sitting and chatting for a while I felt better and ready to go back inside. As I was walking up the steps to the second level where the bar is I happened to turn and look down the street where I could see a group of people approaching. In that group was the guy that I briefly mention in my previous updat, who I have been involved with.

And he was kissing someone else.

With my drink in hand, I composed myself, walked down the steps, walked down the street at a controlled yet intentional pace, approached this person and threw my drink in his face.

YES. I did. I did it without any hesitation or second thoughts.

I turned and walked back to the bar just as purposefully as I had come. I felt vindicated. Liberated. Horrible. Did that really just happen? Fuck. Now what do I do? Do I stay here and have an awefull night trying to casually share the same bar as that scowndrel? Would I be happier surrendering to New Years Eve and just going home?

I grabbed my jacket, said goodbye to friends (I was clearly upset but insisted on walking alone). There was no way I was going to recover from this tonight. I will just go home and go to bed. But not until I walk by him one more time, giving him the full weight of my scorned glare (and it's a douzy. If you have never seen me angry - really angry - you may or may not want to). My intention was to walk directly towards him without even hiding my emotions, give the impression that I'd tear into him then at the last moment, without slowing down, continue on my way without saying a word.

But he wanted a word. So under the light of the petrol station we argued. I had a sinking feeling I was wrong. He was angry and I was now just confused. As we argued we were watched by passing friends and tourists on their way to the bar, each wishing us a "happy new year" as they passed. Finally he gave up and walked away and I just stood there feeling stunned.

This was a perfect moment.

I couldn't think. I was... empty. But not the devestated kind of empty. It was the emprty where all you have is you and deep down you know that's enough. I didn't know what to do or what I even wanted to do. So I just stood there looking at the moon (which was full and beautiful btw). A tourist named Bill who saw the entire argument was also stunned and standing there. I turned to him and said "well now what?". He then insisted I explain the whole thing to him so he could give me a guys perspective. It was actually really sweet. Then came the moment of truth - what was I going to do? I did not want to go back in there and face him. I didn't want to go home either. And that's when I knew what my resolution was; if doing something scares me and I just want to chicken out, I resolve to face it. So I went back in. I didn't talk to him, I just focussed on having a good time. Eventually he left (probably didn't want to be in the same room as me) and I relaxed. I drank enough to hold of the sad feelings that were sure to come once I was sure it was over between us. But I can honsetly say I ended up having one of the best nights ever. Not just a New Years Eve night. But just a great night.

Because I chose to.