"Not all who wander are lost"

That was written on one of the boards holding up the top bunk over my current bed.

I'm sitting in a basement internet/kareoke cafe in Auckland. I love coming back to Auckland; it's like a mini home in between homes it seems. My belly is full of milk and cookies, my nostrils full of the smell of BO, my ears full of japanese kareoke, and my head full of questions. Dare I say, an existential crisis is a brewin', ha ha! OK, I say that in a sarcastic way. But there are a lot of questions floating around in the abyss there, such as: "What the fuck am I going to do now?" and "Why am I here?". I'm thinking A LOT about home, and my life over the past few years. Particularly a few unresolved emotional conflicts that I've been avoiding addressing. I've been binge eating like crazy since I got here (like, back in Novemebr I mean) and have gained a fair amount of weight. I'm trying to get a handle on it, but of course that means dealing with the thing that compels me to do it in the first place. Oh poo. The eating is so much more enjoyable than dealing...

hmmm. Now I don't know what to say? I feel lost. I feel like the same lost, insecure, confused person I was last year, the year before, the year before that, and the year before that. I've done how many different things on my own and with professional help to address that over the last decade? So what's the deal? Is this just me? An integral part of my existance (and possibly everyone elses) that is necessary for my evolution? If I didn't routinely lose myself would I be tempted to stay stagnant? I think I struggle with the thought that nothing is ever really permanent, and all things require maintentance. I, along with so many others, tend to have a rather all-or-nothing type thinking. I think in terms of nouns and not verbs. But happiness isn't constant and never really can be, can it?

There's a voice in my head that tells me the only way to find my way is to get more lost. That voice is a romantic. That voice is the same one that still believes in love. I don't want to ignore that voice, but it has been known for bringing me heartache... Durrrrr! I just don't understand anything anymore. I feel stunned (I've said this before). Like I don't even know what I want. I do in a practical sense, but I don't feel a connection or spark. I'm spending so much time alone these days I question if I even have a realistic grip on reality. I'm spending a large amount of time in my head. No wonder I don't want to be here anymore (that and the kareoke. It's painfull.). I was reading a magazine article today that was talking about Maslow's heirarchy of needs (google it) and comparing it to my current circumstances. While I'm by no means in dire straights, I felt like a lot of my needs aren't being met or I fear that they soon won't be - even the basic ones (it's actually kinda neat to look at when I think about it objectively).

(erg, I can't think straight with this smell/kareoke...)

I'm not that distressed by the lostness I'm experiencing, but it is somewhat disconcerting. I'm mostly just bored.