Monday, May 31, 2010

new beginnings?

I've been home now for... um... 4 nights. Four cozy sleeps in my own bed. Well, it will be 4 sleeps when I actually sleep tonight. As it stands, I'm doing the jet lag thing. When that's finished it'll probably be the post-travel depression thing from what I'm hearing... That's ok.

Home. Here I am. Sorta. I've been a bit of a zombie the last three days. Today showed marked improvement. Tomorrow I'm hoping I'll even have a real outing and visit the rock climbing gym (fingers crossed). Being back feels strange (which I did expect). I don't feel like any time should have passed here, though I know it did. There are small differences I notice... ah, I'm rambling...

What I wanted to say was this:

I don't know how New Zealand "was". I feel like I should just say "yes, it was great/beautiful/amazing/etc." - and it was... but it wasn't always. I want to be honest about what I experienced and how I felt, but I don't feel like that's what people want to hear (or what I want to tell them). The thing is, the trip kinda imploded on itself. There was a lot of disappointment, frustration, insecurities, and tears. There were really great things too - and eventually I'll forget all the crap and focus on just the good... I just feel like... like I failed at it some how. See, I believe the saying "if you're bored then you're boring", and translate that into "it is what you make of it". So, if I didn't have a good time, then I was doing it to myself. And I was! I wasted so much time complaining and feeling down on myself, and holding back. I knew I was too, it was so hard to shake those moods. I succeeded sometimes, but it I'd always slip back. Sometimes it felt hard just to be there! But I feel awful saying that. People travel all the time, for longer periods, to more difficult places, find themselves in far more challenging situations, and sometimes don't get to go home. So what am I feeling sorry for myself for?

One thing about being back is that I don't want to go back to my old life. Not that it was bad or anything, but I've already lived it that way. I'd like to change. I really wanted to come back a "better" person - I'm not even sure what that means to me anymore? More evolved maybe? For me, it was a rite of passage to travel; a rite that I put off far too long (at least I went at all...). Everyone comes back a little different, it seemed like they knew something I didn't. Did I miss something out there? I must have... I'm still processing, obviously. But I do think everything happens for a reason, and I'm confident that good things will come from the stuff I'm still struggling to accept. Er, that's what I'm hoping anyways... heh.

So, what's next? Well, I'm going back to school in september to finish my undergrad degree in Secondary Education (with a fine art major and a special education minor). Between now and then, I'm keen to find a full-time summer job and save up enough to pay off my credit card debt and cover my tuition and books for the fall semester. I'm unsure yet what kind of job; massage therapy is too unreliable right now and I might not be able to get adequate hours at the gym (assuming they give me back my job). Maybe landscaping? I dunno. Also on my list of things to do is get back in shape. Yep, I let myself go in NZ. Did you know they're known for their pies? Heh heh...

I guess that's it for Chels-iwi - the blog anyways. I don't know if I'll ever go back to New Zealand, I'd like to think that I will. We'll just have to wait and see.

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